Can someone please edit my essay?I am applying to enroll in the Master's in Marriage and Family Therapy program at Eisner Institute for Professional Studies. I graduated from California State University Dominguez Hills with a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology. As an undergraduate student, I took psychology courses in Abnormal Psychology, Behavior Modification, and the Family. I always was interested in the complexities in psychology and the human mind. I wanted to continue to pursue a career in which I could work with people in helping them resolve his or her issues. I am aim to further my education through graduate study of psychology which will prepare me further to help my future clients to the fullest.
My professional background is in working in the mental health field for five years with clients in a variety of settings. I have worked in a residential treatment facility with adolescents that have behavioral and emotional problems, abused and neglected children that are victims of domestic violence, and outpatient setting with families in crises. My clinical experience has been both in the capacity as a counselor and case manager. I am currently working with adolescents with behavioral and emotional problems in a residential treatment facility. My role as a counselor is to provide supervision, counseling, and support to adolescents. I help the adolescents in making positive choices regarding daily living situations, personal hygiene , and conflict resolution.
I became interested in working in therapy because I experienced a family member that needed therapy for depression. My brother had been struggling with depression for a long time. My brother made the choice to seek professional help for his depression. Depression was genetic in our family, so our family as well got therapy. Through years of counseling and therapy, my brother and family benefited from therapy because we were able to heal at the same time. I understand the issues that can result firsthand from depression. I know that through therapy, people can make life long changes by looking at their lives and setting goals. I believe that each client has the capacity to make positive decision making and choices toward a more fulfilling life. I would like to be there for my future clients to help lead(guide) them to a road of personal growth and recovery or healing, self-improvement. I am fully committed and determined to advocate for clients facing issues such as family conflict, depression, and substance abuse. I believe that every client, given the proper guidance, can find their path to personal success. I am eager and dedicated to learn the techniques and approaches that are used to help families, children, and individuals resolve their issues. For this reason, I would be a good candidate for the Marriage and Family Therapy program. I realize that graduate school can be quite challenging, but I am determined to be a good student to learn about psychology that will prepare me for a career in Marriage and Family Therapy.
Answer by Megan
I am applying to the Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy program at Eisner Institute for Professional Studies. I graduated from California State University Dominguez Hills with a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology. As an undergraduate student, I took psychology courses in Abnormal Psychology, Behavior Modification, and Psychology of the Family. I have always had a keen interest in the complexity of psychology and the human mind. I am hoping to continue to pursue a career that will allow me to work with people and give them the guidance they need to resolve issues, build confidence, and repair relationships. I feel that a graduate program will enable me to develop a more robust skillset with which to better serve my future clients.
My professional background consists of extensive work in the mental health field. For the past five years, I have worked with clients in a variety of settings. I have spent time working in a residential treatment facility catering to adolescents that have behavioral and emotional problems, abused and neglected children that are victims of domestic violence, and outpatient setting with families in crises. My clinical experience includes both counseling and case management. My current role as a counselor in the above-referenced residential treatment facility is to provide supervision, guidance, and support to adolescents. I help them make positive choices regarding daily living situations, personal hygiene , and conflict resolution.
I developed an interest in working in therapy because of the effect therapy has had on my brother, who has suffered from depression for quite awhile. My brother made the choice to seek professional help, and as depression was genetic in our family, we all sought counseling alongside him. Through years of counseling the whole family benefited from both the therapy as well as the chance to heal together, which has brought us closer together in many ways. I have firsthand experience with depression, which adds to my ability to empathize with clients and understand the challenges they face. I believe that everyone has the capacity to make positive decisions, set goals, and make progress toward finding fulfillment and living a healthy life, both mentally and phsyically. I would like to be there for my future clients to help lead them to a road of personal growth and recovery. I am fully committed and determined to be an advocate for clients facing issues such as family conflicts, depression, and substance abuse. I believe that every client, given the proper guidance, can find their way to personal success. I am eager to learn the techniques that are used to help families, children, and individuals resolve their issues.
For these reasons, I am a good candidate for the Marriage and Family Therapy program. I realize that graduate school can be quite challenging, but I am prepared to dedicate myself completely to being successful both in my studies, and my career afterward.
Answer by Diotima
As far as content goes, I think this sounds good. The only suggestions I have are grammatical things you might want to look into.
In your first paragraph, you end with the sentences, "I wanted to continue to pursue a career in which I could work with people in helping them resolve [their] issues. I [ ] aim to further my education through graduate study of psychology[,] which will prepare me further to help my future clients to the fullest [extent]."
In the first of these sentences, I think you would use the word "their" instead of "his or her." "People" is plural, so you should probably use the plural "their" instead of the singular "his or her." Then, you said "I am aim," which is just a typo, no biggie. And there should be a comma after "psychology." I think the final sentence would sound more complete with the word "extent" at the end, but that's just personal preference. The way you have it isn't wrong, of course, but I just thought I'd put it out there to see what you think.
In the second paragraph, I think it should be "adolescents who" instead of "adolescents that" since you're talking about people instead of objects."
"I have worked in a residential treatment facility with adolescents [who] have behavioral [or?] emotional problems, [children who, as victims of domestic violence, are] abused [or] neglected, and [I have worked in an] outpatient setting with families in crises." Here I've added a few suggestions to clarify what you're saying a bit. I changed a few "and's" to "or's," but since I don't know the situation, I can only guess that the two scenarios that you paired together aren't always linked, but of course you would know that better than I would. My changes are only suggestions anyway; take them as you will. You use the word "adolescent" four times in the six sentences in your second paragraph--you might want to consider changing one or two of them to "the individual" or "the child."
I became interested in working in therapy [when?] I experienced a family member [who] needed therapy for depression. My brother had been struggling with depression for a long time[, and he] made the choice to seek professional help for his [illness]. Depression was genetic in our family, so [the rest of] our family [received therapy as well]. Through years of counseling and therapy, my brother and [other family members] benefited [ ] because we were able to heal at the same time. I understand the issues [firsthand] that can result from depression. I know that through therapy, people can make life[-]long changes by looking at their lives and setting goals. I believe that each client has the capacity to make positive decision[-]making [ ] choices [needed to live] a more fulfilling life. I would like to be there for my future clients to help lead(-->guide) them to a road of personal growth[,] recovery[,] healing, [and] self-improvement. I am fully committed and determined to advocate for clients facing issues such as family conflict, depression, and substance abuse. I believe that every client, given the proper guidance, can find [his or her (this time the word "client" is singular)] path to personal success. I am eager and dedicated to learn the techniques and approaches that are used to help families, children, and individuals resolve their issues. For this reason, I would be a good candidate for the Marriage and Family Therapy program. I realize that graduate school can be quite challenging, but I am determined to be a good student to learn about psychology[, which] will prepare me for a career in Marriage and Family Therapy.
I really like your conclusion, and I think that this is a really good piece. Like I said, the changes that I've made are just suggestions, so do with them what you will.
Good luck!
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Can someone please edit my essay?
